Back in 1999 I had started a series called The articles of the alphabet where I would choose a word from the next letter of the alphabet and write an article on that topic. When I got to the letter q there didn’t seem to be as many options but I chose the word; Quarrel. To quarrel is basically having a dispute or a complaint, a disagreement, or altercation. Being human makes everyone prone to at some time or another to be faced with some form of a quarrel. There are a few different emotions that are related to quarreling. Anger, hatred, envy, jealousy, aggression, passiveness, regret, guilt, resentment, depression, and feeling as though you have been taken advantage of or used could all stem from a quarrel or could cause a quarrel.

Dr. William Gaylin once wrote, “resentment often arises when we believe we aren’t getting what is due us from another person. We feel unfairly cheated or betrayed. Then we tend to brood about it which typically leads to trouble and quarrels.” There doesn’t need to be anymore trouble in the world then what there already is, so if you’ve not already learn to be assertive and less aggressive or passive.

Learn to speak your mind in a calm, yet firm way which is being assertive. There’s nothing wrong with being angry or expressing your anger as long as it is done in a positive way. When I first started out being a counselor primarily with children and now 20 plus years later continuing to work as a counselor with children and adults if they ever have anger issues that could possibly lead to a quarrel I give this advice: when you are mad don’t do anything that will hurt yourself, others, nor destroy property. Learn what triggers your anger and then make the choice to handle any negative emotions in a positive way and that is your choice that you have have power to do.

Attempt to never let a quarrel dampen your hope, but have the hope that if you choose wisely on how you handle yourself that some good will come out of it. Unless you are one who likes drama and seems to not be “happy” unless quarreling with someone then you are like most who wants to avoid quarrels if at all possible. However, quarrels will come on life’s journey but learn to take 5. This means that whatever the quarrel is about is it still going to be an an issue 5 minutes from now, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, or even 5 years from now? When we can look at it in the grand scheme of things typically most things we quarrel over may not be that significant just our preference. Learn to be humble and kind and fulfill the scripture, “as much as it is possible for you to live at peace with everyone.”

Originally written 8-4-99

Rewritten 10-4-19…TRS

Perseverance is the ability to keep at something in spite of difficulties, opposition, and/or discouragement. At some point all of face difficulties that can be brought about by various circumstances. A death in the family, a tragic accident, a separation or divorce, a move to a new town, a physical, mental, or emotional sickness are just a few things that could lead to difficult times.

Some some individuals are faced with opposition everyday. It could be from their job, their children, or other family members and the person in the situation feels like they are at the end of their rope ready to just give up. It can be very tough when we are faced with difficulties and opposition, but one thing that can make the situation worse is discouragement.

Discouragement is when someone tries to dishearten us by taking the wind out of our sails. They will do or say whatever they have to in order to lessen our confidence or courage. In doing this they ultimately take away our hope.

Hope is having a desire with the belief in obtaining what is desired, or expectation. Again, perseverance is the ability to keep on going in spite of obstacles, difficulties, opposition, or discouragement. Suffering gives us the opportunity to bring forth perseverance. When a person is presented with an obstacle there are several things that can be done.

One thing is that the person can give in and never try to overcome the obstacle and therefore be left in the midst of their suffering. Another thing that can be done is that one can choose to take one of many detours that lead away from the obstacle. If we’re in the midst of suffering but we feel we don’t have the strength to face the situation and never work through it, then usually the problem is either denied or covered up by some form of addiction. If we choose not to give up and keep on keeping on in spite of our obstacles this process will give us experience, knowledge, and confidence. It will help us become a better person by building our character.

If we persevere and make it through the obstacle we will have gained new skills, wisdom, and knowledge that will help develop our character. When we suffer there is an opportunity to persevere. When we have hope we have the courage to know we can get through any difficult, oppositional, or discouraging time. Therefore if you are facing any obstacle at this time know that “suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope” (Romans 5:3-4).

TRS originally written 7-21-99

Obedience is the act of being obedient, which is being compliant to the requests or commands of authority. Lack of consistent discipline is one of the main reasons for disobedience. Therefore, for a parent / caregiver to raise an obedient child they will have to have consistent discipline. No means no every time and after a couple of warnings there has to be a consequence every time.

Having worked with children and teens over the past 20 years I have many times heard from children that “rules suck.” They will often make comments of wishing they were already 18 years old so they wouldn’t have to follow any rules. I try to quickly point out to the kids that most true rules don’t begin until you are 18 and out on your own. Adults have to follow, or be obedient to just as many rules as children. Everyone has someone they have to be obedient to even though that doesn’t mean that everyone will be.

No matter how powerful or wealthy a person is someone will make that person be held accountable to being obedient to certain standards. As can be seen in the movies even the mob of organized criminals have their own rules they have to be obedient to, or else. This goes to show that people of all ages can be or are obedient to various forms of authority. It appears it is the person’s choice of who they want to be their authority and that is who they decide to follow and submit to.

For whatever reasons it seems that many parents are scared to discipline their children. I’ve heard some say, “my kids told me if I spank them they will call the local social services” and there are probably many other reasons of why some parents refuse to discipline. Maybe as a child they never received any themselves, or their parents were so strict they decide to never be that strict on their kids. The point is if a child has not learned to be obedient and follow the rules, the parent of that child has done them great emotional, mental, and even spiritual harm.

I once read about the “Seven greatest mistakes parents can make.” Of the seven the author had mentioned one great mistake is a parent believing they can be best friends with their child. Parents and children were never meant to be best friends, at least until that child is an adult and then some of the relationship dynamics can change. Also it is never fair for a child of any age to be asked to take sides of one or the other parent.

Children need discipline and need to be taught and shown what obedience is. If no one ever learned to be obedient and follow the rules the world would definitely be a chaotic and hopeless place. Some reasons of why there are so many disobedient youth is that many adults are disobedient to two commands. One is to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength and secondly to love your neighbor and treat everyone as you would want to be treated yourself. Dr. Laurence J. Peter developed a concept called, “the Peter principle,” which mainly points out that anyone who strives for success only to find their achievement crumble about them has never learned that true power and success only comes when we surrender our lives in obedience to God.

Originally written 7-14-99.

TRS

Narcissism according to Webster’s dictionary is undue dwelling on one’s own self or attainments. In Greek mythology there was once a beautiful youth who was punished because of the love of his own image and was therefore transformed into the narcissus plant. For some who may not be familiar with psychology or counseling may not know that there is actually a mental disorder according to the diagnostic and statistical manual mental disorders (DSM) called, narcissistic personality disorder. This disorder is characterized by having a very exaggerated sense of self-worth and self-importance. A person with this disorder will frequently discuss his or her importance and call attention to and magnify the value of themselves and/or their accomplishments.

Usually this person rarely would feel any empathy or care about any other person than themselves. They also believe that they are entitled to things that others are not, take advantage of others, and are preoccupied with feelings of envy.

We are commaned to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and to love our neighbor as we would love our self. We just do not need to love ourselves to the point of a narcissism, because then it would not be true love but more of pride and we know that those who are full of pride are truly empty of a lot.

However, there are those who are quite opposite of the narcissist and they don’t even like themselves and sure do not love themselves at all. The point of this article when it was written 20 years ago was to help someone see that even though life may not always be fair and that sometimes bad things do happen even to “good people,” if we have a positive self-image we will be more likely to handle simple to complex problems with more ease.

When people love themselves they will be more apt at accomplishing goals to be proud of, as well as have a love for others offering them kindness and hope. Following is a poem I wrote in August of 1995:

As you grow up through the years you wonder why certain things happened, and as you felt the sorrow and hurt they brought, you could tell your life was being dampened. You often wondered if anyone else on earth ever knew of your pain. You wondered if your circumstances were ever going to change.

Here you sit amongst the filth and the grime. Amongst the pearls and the swine, wondering if the thing you are searching for you will ever find. You have cried and cried until you feel that you have no more tears. All that you are left with are your hopes and your fears. How could life be so unkind to leave me here cold and unloved, sinking behind. I try my best every day to grovel to the surface. Trying to find at least one in whom I can place my trust. Where? Where on Earth can that one be found? Shh!

Be quiet and listen. Please don’t make a sound. I think I see the one who can start to make things clearer, or is that just my reflection in the mirror.

Reflections… Reflections.

I can look back on my life and see the hurt, the pain, and the misery. I can now see where I went wrong, as I was trying to find out where I belong. But, the true love I searched for was in me all along. As I looked deep within beyond the poverty and wealth I could finally see that all I had to do was learn to love myself.

Article Originally written July 7, 1999

-TRS

Morality is having a moral quality or character. It means being virtuous and having a moral conduct. For the past 20 years I have worked with youth through counseling and as a youth minister but I honestly cannot remember what group of kids I asked these following questions to 20 years ago, but I do know that they ranged in ages from 5 to 15 years old. I asked the following questions: what are morals? Where do they come from? Does everyone have them? Do you look up to those who have none? Once I asked the questions I began getting answers of the opposite of what the kids believe morality is.

Kids began telling what they thought were immoral. Following is a list of things that these children believe are immoral: killing, lying, cheating, stealing, hurting others, adultery, being disrespectful, and not listening to authority. I do remember joking with the group that if the last one was true “not listening” then I had several immoral people in my group.

When I attempted to get the kids to explain to me what morality is they replied, “it’s the opposite of all the things we just said.” The oldest member of the group who was attempting to be a role model for the younger ones spoke up and stated, “morals are the standards we live by.” One spoke up and added, “being moral is like always doing right over wrong.” Another challenged, “what is right for some may be considered wrong by others.” This led into the discussion of where do morals come from.

A couple believe that we are born with the ability to know right from wrong and therefore can choose to be moral. Most agreed that morals are taught by parents or caregivers and can be greatly influenced by our peers and society. One young person gave an example of how if a child was brought up in a family where stealing was taught to each generation that probably each generation that grew up would never really think that stealing is wrong.

Dr. James Dobson has a booklet entitled, Values in the home which has the statement, “values can be transmitted from one generation to the next. All mothers and fathers know it is their responsibility to teach their beliefs and concepts to their children, but unfortunately this is usually approached in a hap- hazard and casual manner.” Author James Gibson, PhD believes that integrity is a character trait far more common in today’s world than we know. He wrote, “We hear so often of dishonesty, philandering, cheating, and lying in all our modern institutions it’s understandable if we think that integrity is going the way of the buggy whip.”

Gibson continues to define integrity as a “source of immense spiritual and emotional strength that can be a powerful healing force in our lives, even if it causes us inconvenience for a time. To give up our integrity is to risk our spiritual and psychological lives.”

Most of the group agreed that they would never look up to any person with an immoral character. I asked the group to share who they look up to and believe are good role models. It was interesting that none of them mentioned their parents, but it seems normal for kids their ages not to mention their parents. Most of them told of teenagers they now know who are “cool, but never get into any real big trouble.” One girls comment I found interesting, “if people wanted to be moral they could follow the example of Jesus.”

May we choose to live a moral and virtuous life and let our integrity be Rays of Hope for future generations.

Originally written 6-16-99 TRS

Loneliness is a feeling of being all alone. It can come from being isolated from others however the worst form of loneliness is when you are in a crowd of people and yet still feel all alone. Along with feeling lonely often there is the emotion of sadness that goes along with it. To feel lonesome means for one to be sad from lack of companionship or separation from others.

In his book, Killing Giants –Pulling Thorns, author Charles Swindoll wrote about loneliness, saying “it plays no favorites, ignores all rules of courtesy, knows neither border no barrier, yields no mercy…crowds make it worse, activity simply drives at deeper. Silent and destructive as a flooding river in the night loneliness, that uninvited guest of the soul, arrives at dusk and stays for dinner.”

People who are in the midst of this feeling of desolation usually long for someone to be companions with. Many times if this companionship is not found the loneliness turns into depression. A lonely person typically has a very negative self-image and feelings of worthlessness. They have such thoughts as if no one wants to be my friend then I must be no good. Swindoll wrote that the pain of loneliness was so sharp that some are willing to try anything for half an hour of companionship and were willing to pay a stranger money for 30 minutes for their undivided attention. There have been some who have done studies on loneliness and will keep themselves away from any human contact for a long period of time only to hunger and desire some form of human contact.

Back in the 13th century King Frederick in Germany had a study done with infants trying to determine what language they would speak if never spoken to. So he had gathered all the newborn babies and had nurses to care for the basic needs but they were never to touch them or speak to them. Unfortunately all the babies died. A study by the American council of life insurance reported (20 years ago when this article was first written) that the loneliest group they found to be was college students. After that group the list included those going through divorce, the poor, single parents, students in rural areas, housewives, and the elderly were those who are more prone to suffer from loneliness. Also those who suffer greatly from loneliness are those who tend to be left out on purpose by others. It is unfortunate that things do not seem to change in this area as time progresses. Each generation there’s the in-group and the out-group. Cliques that are popular and those who the cliques don’t associate with. Those who tend not to fit in are often put down, talked about, made fun of, and shunned. This can lead those who already feel lonely to believing that their existence it’s not necessary.

There will be times when everyone will feel a little lonely, but the world is populated enough that no one should ever really feel the prolonged pangs of loneliness. Everyone at times needs a certain amount of human contact. It is very difficult for those suffering from loneliness to be the ones to bring themselves out of it. They need someone to lower the rope down into the pit of loneliness where they long to be delivered from. If you know someone who is lonely say a kind word or do a good deed to them to offer them a Ray of Hope. Let them know that they are loved and cared about and that their life does have meaning and others can be blessed by what they have to offer.

Originally written 5-26-99

TRS

Kindness is the quality or state of being kind. One definition of kind is having the will to do good and to bring happiness to others. It currently seems that the standard is to bring happiness to self. If someone else in turn becomes happy by something we do, so be it, but it appears for the most part many people don’t worry if others are affected or not by the choices we make.

Many children have witnessed their parents doing practically whatever to make themselves feel good, which some equate with happiness. These children grow up and become adults who seek out the same pleasures to gratify self and never really seem concerned about others either.

With past and recent tragedies of violence people began seeking out who or what to blame. Each person has the ultimate choice of what they decide to do and they have to always be held accountable for the choices they make. It does need to be realized that our choices can be and are influenced our environment, which include our family, friends, enemies, economy, etc. If this is so, then the one to blame is anyone who breaths.

Dr. James Dobson once wrote, “Take a deep breath of air and then blow it out. Contained in that single breath are at least three nitrogen atoms that were breathed by every human being to ever live, including Jesus Christ, William Shakespeare, Winston Churchill, and every president of the United States. This illustrates that the fact that everything we do affects other people, positively or negatively.”

If this is true then we are a part of every person who chooses to be balanced and they are a part of us. This does not mean that the violent individuals can try and rationalize saying, “society made me do it.” But, society can’t live in denial and shout we have no part of it and the individual is the only one to blame.

It appears that if a person is not stressed out then they are not breathing. Pressures of life, jobs, relationships, expectations of self and others, just to name a few make us feel like we are living on the verge of insanity. With this lifestyle many times are tolerance level for others plummets. When we become impatient with others we find it difficult to do a good deed and almost impossible to even speak a kind word to or about anyone. When everyone becomes this way then kindness is smothered out.

There is a simple principle that many know as the Golden Rule, which is do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It seems simple, yet it is one of the most difficult principles to live by. However, that simple principal is one solution to the problem of violence and cruel words.

George Washington Carver had an interesting philosophy, “how far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong…Because someday in life you will have been all of these.”

Attempt to do something kind to someone else, but not to someone who has been kind to you, but to someone who would rather spit in your face than to say kind word to you, for that is true kindness and the hope of the future.

Originally written 5-12-99

TRS

Judgment is the process of forming an opinion by discerning or comparing things. To judge is to determine or pronounce after inquiry, deliberation; to think or consider. Over the years it has appeared that the chasm between right and wrong has become more narrow. In some cases it appears that there is only a very fine line in between what is right and what is wrong.

To make a judgment about something of whether it is right or wrong one has to think or deliberate over it. Maybe one has to weigh the pros and cons and and determine from their own perception what is the best outcome from that belief. Many times we might need to realize that there are things that are either “red or green” with no in between.

It is either right or wrong. Some may say that as time changes so do rights and wrongs. Some may rationalize inappropriate beliefs and behaviors by saying, “we’re in a new century,” so just because it was seen as possibly wrong then, because time has changed it is now seen as right. This can also be seen the other way around maybe “back then” it was seen as right but now it is seen as wrong.

Over the years children may have been hurt and in a sense deprived by not being taught and shown what is right and what is wrong. Some adults may demand that children do what is right but the children see that the adults are not living by what they try to instill in a child. You cannot instill what you yourself do not have. If you cannot do what is right then do not expect your children to do it either. For your children will do as you do, not what you say.

Nothing good can come from what is wrong. Therefore, if your life is filled with hurt, disappointments, strife, jealousy, anger, addiction, and controversy to name a few take a look at your life and see if there is anything that is truly wrong that needs to be changed.

When doing wrong benefits us, or brings as pleasure,we can be deceived into believing what is wrong is right for us. It may be very difficult and completely against what you once thought was right, and others may put you down for now believing what is right, but you can truly never go wrong when you choose to do right.

We can only change our own behavior, thoughts, and beliefs. We cannot change others. However, we may be able to be an encouragement to one that is doing wrong to see the situation or belief in a new way. We can inspire others to change if our judgment is true and just.

Originally written 4/28/99

TRS

Impatiently they awaited as their levels of stress began to rise. Hearts racing, fist-clenching, fingers tapping, while others just paced the floor. Pacing and thinking that they would rather have scalding iron stuck to their stomach rather than to wait. For anything to be delayed causing them to have to wait at least that makes them extremely irritable. The fuse of their tempers are shortened and you can tell by the look on their faces they are ready to explode at any moment.

Impatience is the quality or state of being restless. Being impatient means one is easily frustrated or angry at any time a wait is necessary. Impatience is the opposite of patience which is being able to bear pain or trials without complaining or being made angry.

Currently in most parts of the world with a press the remote control, click of a mouse, or the press of a button on a microwave, people can have what they want within seconds. Waiting is often not in the vocabulary of many children. They want what they want as soon as they want it.

Unfortunately, some parents or adults give in to the children’s wants with the rationalization that they want their children to have more than they did growing up. When this happens the child gets what they want as well as a learned behavior of thinking anytime they ask for it or demand it it will be granted to them.

The one thing children need today is an imagination. From 1997 to 1999 was the first two years I worked as a counselor in a school system. It was during this time when I first realized how little of an imagination most children at that time had compared to when I was a child. Now fast-forward 20 years later and unfortunately many children are just as unimaginative. My personal opinion is mainly due to all the technology they don’t have to use their imagination.

This article was written 20 years ago and at that time there was a Canadian psychologist that had done research that showed the less imagination a child has the more likely that child will become violent. Then pair that up with other research that shows links to violent video games, TV shows, cartoons, and movies and the risk of impatience greatly increases.

The hope is that patience can be attained. True patience can only be gotten through the spirit of God. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control; against such things there is no law found in Galatians 5: 22- 23. The great Evangelist Billy Graham once said, “Each life is made up of mistakes and learning, waiting and growing, practicing patience and being persistent.” The American essayist and poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson once advised, “Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.”

Originally written March 1999

-TRS

Healing emotionally can take just as long or longer to heal than physical ailments. When a person becomes physically ill most people usually go to a physician for help. The doctor might prescribe medicine or give a shot and offer words of encouragement that with time, the illness will go away with the proper treatment. However, if a person has been wounded emotionally it is more of a rarity that any form of treatment will be sought.

Emotional hurt is many times more difficult to treat than some form of physical illness. If someone has a deep cut or broken bone a doctor can see the wound and either put stitches or cast to bring about healing. However, emotional pain cannot have stitches or a cast put around it to bring about healing. One of the main ways to deal with emotional pain has to do with the way we think. Something terrible might have happened to us to cause great emotional pain and if our mind dwells on all of the negatives surrounding this incident our emotional pain will be even greater.

We have to counteract negative thoughts with positive thoughts that are grounded in Hope and Faith. One of the biggest myths or lies that is usually learned in childhood is “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Most people know this is not true. At some point probably everyone has had someone else say something negative about us that has hurt our feelings. If a child hears over and over that they are a stupid, good-for-nothing, brat this will definitely affect the way the child looks at him or herself. It can cause them great emotional pain throughout their lives until they are able to counteract the negative words spoken with positive thoughts about self.

One activity I have used in working with children over the years is what I call the salt water analogy. It came from the book, Nurturing spirituality in Children by Peggy Jenkins. This activity can be used to teach how other’s words can truly affect us. Put some water in a bowl I get a salt shaker with salt. Tell the listeners that the bowl is a person and a water inside the bowl is the person’s mind and spirit. The salt shaker is another person and the salt on the inside of the Shaker is the words that come out of the person. Shake salt into the water while saying bad things such as, you’re a liar or, I hate you, you’re not worth anything, etc. Then ask if the observers can reach in and get the salt back.

Of course it cannot be done. Once the salt goes into the water it cannot be gotten out. Likewise, when others hurtful words go into us they cannot be taken back either. Hopefully, the other person will eventually apologize but even after an apology and forgiveness is given the hurtful words are still in our mind. If we go on believing what was said about us it will cause us great emotional pain. The definition of counteract according to Webster dictionary is “to lessen the force of.” Therefore, if someone speaks bad about us we can counteract what is said by thinking good thoughts about ourselves which will lessen the force of what was said. Yes, we still will hear what others may have said but counteracting will make it less devastating.

Many people go to a medical doctor when an illness is affecting us and the doctor will prescribe some form of medicine to counteract the ailment. However many will never seek help for emotional pain. If people believe that there is nothing wrong with going to a doctor to get help in healing physically, then one could think that there is nothing wrong for seeking help from a counselor for emotional pain. In closing it may be interesting to know that there has been at least 130 scientific studies that have shown that healing is brought about faster through prayer.

Originally written in March 1999. TRS.