Impatiently they awaited as their levels of stress began to rise. Hearts racing, fist-clenching, fingers tapping, while others just paced the floor. Pacing and thinking that they would rather have scalding iron stuck to their stomach rather than to wait. For anything to be delayed causing them to have to wait at least that makes them extremely irritable. The fuse of their tempers are shortened and you can tell by the look on their faces they are ready to explode at any moment.

Impatience is the quality or state of being restless. Being impatient means one is easily frustrated or angry at any time a wait is necessary. Impatience is the opposite of patience which is being able to bear pain or trials without complaining or being made angry.

Currently in most parts of the world with a press the remote control, click of a mouse, or the press of a button on a microwave, people can have what they want within seconds. Waiting is often not in the vocabulary of many children. They want what they want as soon as they want it.

Unfortunately, some parents or adults give in to the children’s wants with the rationalization that they want their children to have more than they did growing up. When this happens the child gets what they want as well as a learned behavior of thinking anytime they ask for it or demand it it will be granted to them.

The one thing children need today is an imagination. From 1997 to 1999 was the first two years I worked as a counselor in a school system. It was during this time when I first realized how little of an imagination most children at that time had compared to when I was a child. Now fast-forward 20 years later and unfortunately many children are just as unimaginative. My personal opinion is mainly due to all the technology they don’t have to use their imagination.

This article was written 20 years ago and at that time there was a Canadian psychologist that had done research that showed the less imagination a child has the more likely that child will become violent. Then pair that up with other research that shows links to violent video games, TV shows, cartoons, and movies and the risk of impatience greatly increases.

The hope is that patience can be attained. True patience can only be gotten through the spirit of God. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control; against such things there is no law found in Galatians 5: 22- 23. The great Evangelist Billy Graham once said, “Each life is made up of mistakes and learning, waiting and growing, practicing patience and being persistent.” The American essayist and poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson once advised, “Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.”

Originally written March 1999

-TRS

Healing emotionally can take just as long or longer to heal than physical ailments. When a person becomes physically ill most people usually go to a physician for help. The doctor might prescribe medicine or give a shot and offer words of encouragement that with time, the illness will go away with the proper treatment. However, if a person has been wounded emotionally it is more of a rarity that any form of treatment will be sought.

Emotional hurt is many times more difficult to treat than some form of physical illness. If someone has a deep cut or broken bone a doctor can see the wound and either put stitches or cast to bring about healing. However, emotional pain cannot have stitches or a cast put around it to bring about healing. One of the main ways to deal with emotional pain has to do with the way we think. Something terrible might have happened to us to cause great emotional pain and if our mind dwells on all of the negatives surrounding this incident our emotional pain will be even greater.

We have to counteract negative thoughts with positive thoughts that are grounded in Hope and Faith. One of the biggest myths or lies that is usually learned in childhood is “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Most people know this is not true. At some point probably everyone has had someone else say something negative about us that has hurt our feelings. If a child hears over and over that they are a stupid, good-for-nothing, brat this will definitely affect the way the child looks at him or herself. It can cause them great emotional pain throughout their lives until they are able to counteract the negative words spoken with positive thoughts about self.

One activity I have used in working with children over the years is what I call the salt water analogy. It came from the book, Nurturing spirituality in Children by Peggy Jenkins. This activity can be used to teach how other’s words can truly affect us. Put some water in a bowl I get a salt shaker with salt. Tell the listeners that the bowl is a person and a water inside the bowl is the person’s mind and spirit. The salt shaker is another person and the salt on the inside of the Shaker is the words that come out of the person. Shake salt into the water while saying bad things such as, you’re a liar or, I hate you, you’re not worth anything, etc. Then ask if the observers can reach in and get the salt back.

Of course it cannot be done. Once the salt goes into the water it cannot be gotten out. Likewise, when others hurtful words go into us they cannot be taken back either. Hopefully, the other person will eventually apologize but even after an apology and forgiveness is given the hurtful words are still in our mind. If we go on believing what was said about us it will cause us great emotional pain. The definition of counteract according to Webster dictionary is “to lessen the force of.” Therefore, if someone speaks bad about us we can counteract what is said by thinking good thoughts about ourselves which will lessen the force of what was said. Yes, we still will hear what others may have said but counteracting will make it less devastating.

Many people go to a medical doctor when an illness is affecting us and the doctor will prescribe some form of medicine to counteract the ailment. However many will never seek help for emotional pain. If people believe that there is nothing wrong with going to a doctor to get help in healing physically, then one could think that there is nothing wrong for seeking help from a counselor for emotional pain. In closing it may be interesting to know that there has been at least 130 scientific studies that have shown that healing is brought about faster through prayer.

Originally written in March 1999. TRS.

Before I start this article I have to be honest and tell that it was supposed to be about the negative effects of “giving in” to your children, which was the next article I had written in the Articles of the alphabet series. However, since last week I have been unable to find my only copy of that article so I went through some of my other writings and found one from 2001 from my stories of fiction series called, Giving Grace. Within some of my stories of fiction I “tell stories” of people who write into me and I give a response to their questions. This was my first time doing this.

Have you ever had one of those days when you wonder what is wrong with people? I need some advice about what to do when someone has done me wrong. –Grace

Dear Grace,

When you wrote me I take it that you are trusting my judgment and this is to let you know that my judgment is based upon my beliefs, opinions, knowledge, and wisdom. I guess you believe as I, that no one is perfect and all make mistakes at times, but hopefully people can learn from past mistakes and grow into a better person. However, when you know of people who keep having the same problems and issues over and over even though help is offered it can be disheartening.

Some problems are lifelong struggles that people have to learn to deal and cope with and not only the person having the problem, but friends and loved ones as well have to learn to deal with it. This could truly be a test of just how much you love someone. I don’t know exactly what “wrong” has been done to you, but anytime we are done wrong it’s not right. It can be hard to understand of how some people can continue to live and prosper while doing wrong to others. It seems at times that others commit crimes, lie, cheat, and fight, yet never suffer a consequence.

The sad thing is that when others do wrong to us we feel the effects of what they have done and it tends to make us angry. It is okay to be angry as long as we don’t in turn do something wrong or give in to something we will later regret. Do all that you can to hold your tongue when you are angry, not to say something you will regret and do not make hasty decisions out of anger. If you do the probability for the situation to worsen is higher.

When someone has done us wrong it is often hard to think of forgiving that person, but that is what needs to be done for your own sake. Unforgiveness usually leads to bitterness and research has shown a link between bitterness and emotional health problems. Therefore, not forgiving someone who has done you wrong in the long run causes you more problems.

This doesn’t mean to say that if someone has wronged you that they should escape a consequence of what they have done. If there are legal consequences then do what you have to do to see that the legal process is taken on this person. Unfortunately, there are people who never think of the consequences they may suffer if they do or say a particular thing. Often this stems from parents who never allow their children to suffer the consequences for the wrong behavior. If you are a parent of a child of any age it would be wise to allow that child to suffer the consequences of anything they do that is wrong.

If a parent bails a child out every time they are in some kind of trouble that child will tend to always believe they can do whatever and get out of it. Children like that tend to be the future inmates of America. When someone has done you wrong let the natural consequences of their actions eventually unfold. Believe in the saying about people reaping what they sow.

We are to pray for those who persecute us. By doing this we may be our enemies (those who do us wrong) only hope of ever changing. Just remember one of the definitions of your name, Grace…it means and undeserved forgiveness, kindness, and mercy that God gives. May this bit of advice bring a ray of hope to situations where you’ve been done wrong.

Originally written 2/21/01.

-TRS

Family violence has been around since the first family. This is not in reference to any President’s families, but all our ancestor’s son of Adam and Eve, Cain who killed his brother Abel. According to the Governor’s office of child abuse and domestic violence services (GOCADVS) over the past two decades there has been a shocking awareness of widespread abuse within American families.

Reports from the FBI have shown that violence within families has been the country’s most prevalent or widely accepted violent crime and it is also one of the least reported crimes. Research done in 1990 by Straus and Gelles indicated at that time almost 6 million women experience some form of abuse each year.

Unfortunately, for victims and society in general many people have the mentality that if violence happens within a family that is the family’s issues and perpetrators somehow have a right to be that way within their own family.

Domestic violence knows no boundaries. There are some doctors, lawyers, police officers, teachers, ministers, factory workers, and welfare recipients who all are perpetrators of violence on their families or significant other.

Another common misconception is that spouse abuse has no effect on the children. One former study from 1980 revealed that children who witness abuse are three times more likely to engage in violent behavior with a future spouse. The victim and the children will live in constant fear and uncertainty which is what the abuser wants to keep control over the situation.

The definition of domestic violence according to GOCADVS is the chronic physical, sexual, and psychological maltreatment of one family member by another with the intent to control. This misuse of power harms the psychological, social, economic, sexual, and physical well-being of the victim.

The victim of abuse is never to blame or at fault. Nothing they say or do is what causes the abuse, even though often this is what the abuser tells the victim as they promise it will never happen again. However, as soon as the abuser which can be either, a male or female, feels the need to show their power and control abuse will happen again and again. A cycle of domestic violence needs to be brought to an end.

If the perpetrator never seeks help and truly changes his or her behavior of violence it will be left up to the survivors of the abuse to develop a safety plan which can be done by local abuse shelter agency. Once when I was in college the professor was teaching on the subject of domestic violence and quoted Romans 3:20 which states “through the law we become conscious of sin.” She went on to explain that many times it takes the abuser being arrested to realize they are doing wrong. Unfortunately, even this does not always open their eyes and cause them to feel any remorse for what they have done, because they always tend to blame the victim and do not take responsibility for their own actions.

It can be very difficult for people trapped in an abusive situation to escape. Often the risk of leaving is even serious physical injury or death and this is why it is very important to have a safety plan in place. Many times the victim has been “beaten down” to the point of hopelessness. Therefore, the hope of this family may rely on an outsider who either knows or suspects abuse is occurring. By a simple act of compassion and one phone call one could save someone else’s life and give that person a new hope for life.

Originally written February 1999-TRS

Effect is an event, condition, or state of affairs that is produced by a cause. An effect can be the result or consequence of an action taken. Almost everything that can be done could have some kind of effect on us or others and things we do are almost always brought about by choice. It has been said that life is the sum of the choices that we make. From the moment we choose to get up in the morning until the time we choose to go to bed at night our lives are filled with choices to make.

Some of our choices have to be disciplined ones. For example, people who work possibly have to discipline themselves to wake up at a certain hour in order to get to work on time. However, people still ultimately have a choice of whether they will get up on time or hit that snooze button just one too many times. We usually have a choice of what we are going to eat for the day. Even if we are at a place where we can’t choose what we are being served we can choose to eat or not to eat.

Even people in places of bondage where they are forced to do things ultimately have a choice of whether they will be compliant or not. If a person has a gun to your head and tells you to do this or die you may not like your options, but you still have a choice. The point that is trying to be made is that almost everything we do is a choice.

There are things that happen in our lives that are not our choice, yet we can still feel the effects of what happened. No one chooses to be in an accident. No one chooses to be molested and no one chooses to be raped or attacked. However, someone may choose to run a red light which causes an accident and a person who is a perpetrator may choose who their next innocent victim will be. We at times feel the effects of other people’s choices. Knowing this no one can honestly say that they can choose to do whatever they want and it not impact someone else. Many people feel that if they choose to do drugs that it will not have an effect on anyone else, however we know this not to be true. Just ask anyone who has a loved one who is an addict.

The same thing could happen to several people and each may choose to respond to it in a different way. A boss may get mad and choose to yell at the employees. Some of the employees might get offended, others may choose to take their chances and yell back, and still others may let what was said to go in one ear and out the other. Many times we have a choice of how we will respond to others. There are times when others annoy us but we can choose not to let that person bother us. The other person might choose to do or say something that has the potential to make us mad but we can choose to not allow our anger to get out of control.

It is very important to be taught at an early age that the thing we choose to say and do can effect not only ourselves but others as well. People who want good things to happen to them could choose to live their lives by the boomerang principle, which is whatever you put out is whatever comes back to you. If good things are done then usually the effect will be good as well.

Take a look at your current situations. What choices have you made in the past that have led you to where you are today? If it is a place that you don’t like what choices can you make to make the situation better and how will your choices bring an effect on others?Each day strive to make wise decisions. For the choices that we make may have either a positive or a negative effect on the future.

Originally written 2/17/99 TRS

Discipline comes from a Latin word that means to instruct and to instruct means to impart knowledge to, or to teach. To discipline means to mold, build up, and give direction. One of the main reasons many children have problems are because they lack being disciplined consistently. To be consistent a parent has to follow through with what they say. When a parent warns a child of a consequence that will happen if their behavior doesn’t change, but never follows through with that, then the child will never believe the adult or take the parents serious and basically learn to get by with anything.

It was around 20 years ago when I attended a conference with a guest speaker Dr. Mark Barnes, a child therapist who equated no discipline with child abuse. For a parent who does not discipline their child is doing just as much damage as if the child was being physically or mentally abused. A child who has no discipline rarely ever learns responsibility and rarely ever feels truly safe or loved.

Dr. Barnes went on to give an analogy that a child with no limits or discipline is like a child living in a Land of cliffs. The child will never feel safe because if they are able to do whatever they want to with no consequences, then they will believe that other people can do whatever to them with no consequences. It was once written in an article by Lawrence Balter, PhD that “starting at the age of two your child will begin testing authority.” This could be why Dr. James Dobson suggest in his book, Discipline with Love to set limits.

One has to identify the rules well in advance letting there be no doubt what is and is not acceptable behavior. Then when a child chooses to challenge those known boundaries in a haughty manner give the child a good reason to regret it, yet at all times demonstrate love, affection, kindness, and understanding.

To spank or not to spank that is still a very debatable question. Dr. Dobson has suggested that to spank is okay and necessary at times and if done appropriately by the time a child is around the age of 10 it would be very unlikely to have to use that form of discipline. As a child gets into adolescence and teenage years use more consequences such as taking privileges and grounding. If the spankings were done appropriately and consistently when a child misbehaved, then as the child grows older they are more affected by having privileges taken. Often the older kids would rather be spanked to get the consequence over with instead of having to not have something they want and have to think about why they do not have it.

It is also important to remember for the parents not to ever spank out of anger but to calm down before they react with a physical punishment. Don Fleming PhD once wrote that parents spank generaly to change the child’s behavior, or they spank out of frustration. He determined an occasional spank on the rear end doesn’t do any damage to a child. Occasionally it gets the point across quite quickly. “But if a parent uses it as the primary or only way to control a child’s behavior or teach him a lesson it has never worked and it never will,” as he wrote in his book, How to stop the battle with your child.

Other parents may use strategies such as putting the child in time out for as many minutes as a child is old in age. For example if a child is 5 years old they spend 5 minutes in time only adding minutes when a child tries getting out of time out. Time usually seems longer to a child than to an adult therefore what may be just a few minutes feels like half an eternity to a child.

Part of discipline also is a technique called positive reinforcement. This is when a child is caught having good, positive behaviors they are rewarded and encouraged for that. The hope is that this positive reinforcement teaches them to continue the same good behavior. It is easy to misbehave which is why some of the first words a child hears as a toddler is “no no.” Once a child asked their parent if they had to be good on purpose and the parent replied,”Yes, you have to be good on purpose.” So, therefore when they make the choice to have good behaviors encourage and reward them for that.

A child without ever being disciplined will likely become an adult with no hope. It is vital to society that parents discipline their children, remembering that even God disciplines those He loves.

Originally written 2-10-99 TRS

Crisis situations are a state in which people have failed to resolve a problem and lives are thrown out of balance. Ways of coping with previous difficulties are no longer effective for the current problem. Most people have dealt with either minor or major problems at some point in their life. As author and clinical psychologist Gary Collins has stated in his book, Family Shock “no family is perfect and without problems and periodic crises.”

People have been created with various coping mechanisms in order to deal with problems whenever they arise. However, for whatever reasons at times the problem we may be facing is so stressful that we are pushed past the point of being stressed out.

A crisis occurs when a problem can’t be solved by the usual way we deal with them and/or our previous support system of family or friends are unable to be supportive. Our ways of coping have become “jammed” and progress is not being made.

There are basically two types of crises; situational or developmental. A situational crisis happens when something out of the blue happens, such as an accident. When a person gets a phone call that an accident has happened and a loved one is seriously injured. This is a situation that just happened that can create problems that no one was prepared to deal with.

A developmental crisis occurs when things build up over time. A marriage that has been rocky for months is soon in a crisis when one day each spouse who had a terrible day at work comes home and argument erupts. Things are said and done in anger as each let out the feelings they’ve held in over the last few months.

The pain created from a crisis situation can last up to six to eight weeks. It has been found that feelings of anxiety, exhaustion, helplessness, inadequacy, confusion, agitation, and symptoms of stress such as headaches and ulcers are related characteristics of a crisis.

The core experience of a crisis is that there is always some form of loss or threat of a loss and it rarely happens to only an individual. A crisis can have a ripple effect on others around us. A person or family who is having a crisis have been brought to a crossroad. Once a crisis has occurred only rarely will things go back to the way they used to be. A crisis can either make things get eventually better or worse. Unfortunately at times it takes a crisis situation to help some see their need for a change.

A situational crisis cannot really be stopped, because they are unpredictable. However, if one looks closely at the situations they are in and realize it is about to erupt they may be able to do something in order to prevent a developmental crisis from occurring. One of the most important things a person can offer someone going through a crisis is a sense that life does have meaning, purpose, and hope. However, in order to believe this for yourself may have to have had your own crisis situation.

Another meaning for the word crisis is a turning point. Many things can happen in our lives that could be labeled as a crisis. But, if we can strain to see them as a turning point and we never let go of hope then we will have the potential to grow and become a better person than we were before. Once we gain strength from our experiences then we will be able to offer help to those who may currently be in the midst of a crisis and needing this to become their turning point.

Originally written 2/3/99 -TRS

Bitterness can become an unpleasant and deeply felt emotion that can cause corrosion in your own life and your relationships. For one to become a bitter person they would have to be harboring in their heart one or more of the following: anger, hurt, jealousy, resentment, hatred, or revenge to name a few.

To feel bitterness toward another means that this other person has said or done something to us that hurts or offends us so badly that we truly feel that we would never be able to forgive that person for it.

One of the unfortunate things about bitterness is that usually the person we would become bitter against are those who we used to love and consider family or friends. If a stranger said or did something to us that made us feel angry or hurt we probably would not hold a grudge, because we know that we may never see this person again and therefore we would “get over it.” However, let a family member or friend say or do something and watch the seed of bitterness begin to grow.

One possible reason for this is because with most family and friends we have a loving and trusting relationship with them. If something is said or done to lose trust in them, then we have lost more than if it had been a stranger who did or said the evil deed or words.

Many bitter people feel they have been wronged and deserve some form of an apology and in most cases this is true. However, what if the offending party never realizes or wants to admit that they wronged another? Will you allow their insult to deprive you of a happy and healthy life?

Modern research has shown that bitterness and anger can lead to health problems such as headaches, back aches, allergic disorders, ulcers, high blood pressure, and even heart attacks. If you continue to hold a grudge and let bitterness engulf your life and possibly develop health problems because of it, then in a sense you are letting the person you feel better against have power over you.

A way to destroy bitterness is through forgiveness, which is to pardon, or to excuse an offense without giving a penalty in return. It takes a very strong emotional, mental, and spiritual person to offer forgiveness. To offer forgiveness does not mean that the offender is not guilty. It simply means that even though they are guilty of causing you some form of pain you are a strong enough person to not allow them to control your life with wanting to seek some form of revenge.

However, this does not mean that if someone commits a crime against another that if forgiveness is granted that no penalties are given. There have to be rules and laws and if they are broken the consequences have to be paid, even if the offender is forgiven by the victim. Many times people say I can forgive, but I won’t forget and this is true in most cases. Our minds were created to store memories both good and bad and therefore, it is difficult to forget some offences done to us.

The key to true forgiveness is when we are reminded of the offense and we realize we are no longer bitter. In writing this article 20 years ago I came across an interesting and slightly humorous quotation whose author was unknown, “When God buries our sins in the deepest sea, He posts a sign which reads, No Fishing!”

One Hallmark card once held the phrase, “sometimes we have to let go of the past in order to enjoy the present, and be able to dream of the future.” To allow bitterness to invade and take over means to have no hope of forgiveness. But, to have no forgiveness means there is no hope for true happiness.

1/27/99 – TRS

Back in January of 1999 when I first got my opportunity to be a columnist for the newspaper, The Outlook I became a little fearful thinking “what if I don’t have anything to write about”. This is when the idea came to me to write an article based on a word from each letter of the alphabet, then I knew I would have at least 26 articles to write about.

At the time I wrote this article I had been a mental health counselor for 2 years but had no idea that one day in 2016 I would be a licensed clinical drug and alcohol counselor. Following is the first in the series, Articles of the Alphabet.

Addiction is to devote or surrender oneself to something habitually. Addiction is most commonly associated with drug and alcohol usage and past statistics (from 1999) suggest that 10 million Americans are addicted to alcohol. However, people can become addicted to practically anything.

An addiction to something usually occurs when there is an increase in the quantity and frequency of the act. Too much television, too much food, too much drugs, too much of this, or too much of that which begins to interfere with life.

Many addictions stem from bad habits. Although, not all bad habits become addictions. Some people have a habit of biting their fingernails, or tapping their fingers, or popping them. This may cause others irritation but it will not profoundly affect others or oneself in a negative way.

A habit is something that becomes a usual manner of behavior. It’s something that you have started doing so frequently that you do it without even realizing it. A habit transforms into an addiction when the habit begins to interfere with your life and your relationships with negative consequences.

When doing something is on your mind all the time and you would rather do that thing above anything else, and you tell yourself and others that you can stop it at anytime you want to, you’re probably addicted.

With drugs and alcohol the only cure is total abstinence. Once at a training I heard that people addicted to substances have only three options, straighten up, get locked up, or get covered up. I feel that is three very profound ways to look at it.

However, there are some things that people cannot totally give up for example if someone is addicted to food one cannot abstain from food totally. This is where moderation comes in.

If one can decrease the quantity and frequency of the bad habit and have a faithful support team willing to offer encouragement and hope, then there is a greater avenue for success. It is interesting to note that the word addiction and devotion basically have the same meaning. Even in the Greek language the two words mean the same thing; to be dedicated to, self-sacrificing, to give up to wholly.

It seems though that the word addiction has come to be referred more with the negative aspects of dedication, whereas devotion has been more associated with being affectionate and loving. Giving oneself wholeheartedly to the well-being of others refers to devotion, whereas giving up oneself to something for the pleasure of self would be addiction.

If you have come to realize that you have dedicated yourself to something that brings any kind of physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual hurt to yourself or others, seek help immediately.

All need to remember to be devoted to the well-being of others. If you can devote yourself to the helping of others you will be less likely to be addicted to things that will only bring havoc to your own life.

Originally written 1/20/99 -trs

Sorry this article was accidentally deleted…”hopefully” will get it back on someday….this was my first article published in the newspaper The Outlook.