Shame is a painful emotion that can be caused by consciousness of guilt, a shortcoming, and impropriety, or disgrace. For some shame can bring about feelings of strong regret and/or remorse. There are times when all have done something shameful that may deserve a form of censure or reproach to make us feel ashamed or guilty of what we have done so that will lead to repentance. It is not good if we do something wrong and we never feel any shame or guilt over it. Having these feelings can urge us to make some form of retribution to make things right.

Unfortunately, there are some people both, men and women, and even children who have strong feelings of “false shame.” Usually these people have been abused in some form either physically, emotionally, or sexually. Although feelings of false shame could possibly be brought about by other things as well.

The following information is my interpretation of the notes I took at a conference entitled, “Taking the shame out of shame,” presented by another counselor, Jill Riethmayer NCC, LPCC 20 years ago.

Shame is all about hiding. It is a feeling of sense of embarrassment, hurt, pain, and humiliation all rolled into one. People who feel shame usually believe that they are a mistake, not that they made a mistake. Shame is a heavy feeling. It is feeling like we don’t measure up and will never measure up to the people we were meant to be. Those who feel shame most of the time have a vauge distrust in themselves.

These are some analogies of how shame feels: it is like a hunk of lead in our hearts. Shame is like an invisible load that weighs us down crushing out our joy. It’s like a lingering sorrow. It is like we are on a long journey and we’re always trudging uphill.

Following are things that shame can do to us; exaggerates our faults, discounts anything we do that is good or positive, in accents or “Bright lights” anything we might do that is bad or negative, and it usually is chronic and often is put on us by others. According to Riethmayer there are a few steps to the healing process of shame.

First one has to acknowledge the shame and break through the denial of it. Secondly and often the most important thing is to form and affirming relationship with someone who can offer hope and encouragement. The third step is to release the shame. During this process shame could be released as rage. For this reason it would be advised to seek counseling to help release it in a positive v/s destructive way. A person then we’ll need to learn to counteract negative thoughts about themselves. Learn to say good things about oneself and begin to trust themselves as they let go of the shame. All of us at some point have done shameful things. However, if we allow the feeling of shame to weigh us down we will never be able to experience any kind of joy or have the sense of hope for the future.

Moses was guilty of murder. Elijah was burdened with a deep depression. Peter was guilty of public denial. Samson was guilty of recurring lust. Thomas was guilty of cynical doubting. Jacob was guilty of deception and King David was probably guilty of all of the above. However, despite their imperfections through forgiveness and grace God used each one to do a great things. If you are feeling the heaviness of shame begin to release it and take hold of the forgiveness that is offered to all. At this moment is when shame will be replaced by feelings of hope and a true sense of peace and happiness.

Originally written 9-8-99

TRS

R-E-S-P-E-C-T “find out what it means to me,” is a verse from the song made popular by Aretha Franklin. What does it mean for each individual to have and to show respect to oneself and others? Over 20 years ago now there was a poster that hang in the hall of a school I worked in that stated, “if you expect respect, be the first to show it.”

It could be that Aretha sings about finding out what respect means to us because if we don’t know what it is how would we be able to show it to anyone? According to Webster dictionary the definition of respect is to basically show consideration to others and to honor or hold others in high regards or esteem. A group of children and teens can come up with many interesting and correct definitions and examples of what respect is. However, these are the same students who are in trouble almost all the time for fighting, calling each other names, and back talking and disrespecting authority. Therefore, it would seem that just knowing the meaning and definitions of all respect is does not make one a respectable person who “shows what they know.”

One of the things I have attempted to teach the students and clients I worked with over the years is to apply what they know. If you don’t know it, learn it and once you know about it apply it to your life.

Putting some of our knowledge to use can sometimes be very difficult. At times it may take a lot of willpower to treat some of the people we know with respect. Once in a teenage group therapy session I quoted “if you expect respect be the first to show it” and quickly a girl spoke up and said, “I know what respect is but I’m not going to give it because I never get it in return from my parents or peers.” The key word she spoke was never. I told her that never meant never, but she could come up with some times of when she had been treated with respect.

Then a young man spoke up and told of times he had been the first to show respect to a certain person in his life, but was never given respect in return. The more he attempted to show respect the more he had been emotionally and physically abused. This young man went to the point of washing the feet of his abuser attempting to gain this person’s respect and love, only to be hit and yelled at because it wasn’t done to the satisfaction of the abuser.

Momentarily I sat thinking to myself I was going to have to take down the poster at school, but then I responded by telling the group that it is true that even though we may show respect first to some we may never get that respect back from them. However, that does not mean that we should become disrespectful. Because if we choose to continue to show respect ultimately others will have respect for us. I told this young man that even though he will probably always yearn to be treated with respect by this “certain person” it is true that he may never, and I meant never, receive it from this person unless this person chooses to change. I encouraged this young person by letting him know that by him sharing something so personal that my respect for him has increased and others in the group expressed the same thing.

If you know the meaning of respect then learn to apply it to your life. Many of the children who had never been raised in church, nor knew about Bible stories still described respect as “to treat others the way you want to be treated.” By following the Golden rule one can bring hope to many and be admired and respected in return.

Originally written 8-18-99

TRS

Back in 1999 I had started a series called The articles of the alphabet where I would choose a word from the next letter of the alphabet and write an article on that topic. When I got to the letter q there didn’t seem to be as many options but I chose the word; Quarrel. To quarrel is basically having a dispute or a complaint, a disagreement, or altercation. Being human makes everyone prone to at some time or another to be faced with some form of a quarrel. There are a few different emotions that are related to quarreling. Anger, hatred, envy, jealousy, aggression, passiveness, regret, guilt, resentment, depression, and feeling as though you have been taken advantage of or used could all stem from a quarrel or could cause a quarrel.

Dr. William Gaylin once wrote, “resentment often arises when we believe we aren’t getting what is due us from another person. We feel unfairly cheated or betrayed. Then we tend to brood about it which typically leads to trouble and quarrels.” There doesn’t need to be anymore trouble in the world then what there already is, so if you’ve not already learn to be assertive and less aggressive or passive.

Learn to speak your mind in a calm, yet firm way which is being assertive. There’s nothing wrong with being angry or expressing your anger as long as it is done in a positive way. When I first started out being a counselor primarily with children and now 20 plus years later continuing to work as a counselor with children and adults if they ever have anger issues that could possibly lead to a quarrel I give this advice: when you are mad don’t do anything that will hurt yourself, others, nor destroy property. Learn what triggers your anger and then make the choice to handle any negative emotions in a positive way and that is your choice that you have have power to do.

Attempt to never let a quarrel dampen your hope, but have the hope that if you choose wisely on how you handle yourself that some good will come out of it. Unless you are one who likes drama and seems to not be “happy” unless quarreling with someone then you are like most who wants to avoid quarrels if at all possible. However, quarrels will come on life’s journey but learn to take 5. This means that whatever the quarrel is about is it still going to be an an issue 5 minutes from now, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, or even 5 years from now? When we can look at it in the grand scheme of things typically most things we quarrel over may not be that significant just our preference. Learn to be humble and kind and fulfill the scripture, “as much as it is possible for you to live at peace with everyone.”

Originally written 8-4-99

Rewritten 10-4-19…TRS

Perseverance is the ability to keep at something in spite of difficulties, opposition, and/or discouragement. At some point all of face difficulties that can be brought about by various circumstances. A death in the family, a tragic accident, a separation or divorce, a move to a new town, a physical, mental, or emotional sickness are just a few things that could lead to difficult times.

Some some individuals are faced with opposition everyday. It could be from their job, their children, or other family members and the person in the situation feels like they are at the end of their rope ready to just give up. It can be very tough when we are faced with difficulties and opposition, but one thing that can make the situation worse is discouragement.

Discouragement is when someone tries to dishearten us by taking the wind out of our sails. They will do or say whatever they have to in order to lessen our confidence or courage. In doing this they ultimately take away our hope.

Hope is having a desire with the belief in obtaining what is desired, or expectation. Again, perseverance is the ability to keep on going in spite of obstacles, difficulties, opposition, or discouragement. Suffering gives us the opportunity to bring forth perseverance. When a person is presented with an obstacle there are several things that can be done.

One thing is that the person can give in and never try to overcome the obstacle and therefore be left in the midst of their suffering. Another thing that can be done is that one can choose to take one of many detours that lead away from the obstacle. If we’re in the midst of suffering but we feel we don’t have the strength to face the situation and never work through it, then usually the problem is either denied or covered up by some form of addiction. If we choose not to give up and keep on keeping on in spite of our obstacles this process will give us experience, knowledge, and confidence. It will help us become a better person by building our character.

If we persevere and make it through the obstacle we will have gained new skills, wisdom, and knowledge that will help develop our character. When we suffer there is an opportunity to persevere. When we have hope we have the courage to know we can get through any difficult, oppositional, or discouraging time. Therefore if you are facing any obstacle at this time know that “suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope” (Romans 5:3-4).

TRS originally written 7-21-99

Obedience is the act of being obedient, which is being compliant to the requests or commands of authority. Lack of consistent discipline is one of the main reasons for disobedience. Therefore, for a parent / caregiver to raise an obedient child they will have to have consistent discipline. No means no every time and after a couple of warnings there has to be a consequence every time.

Having worked with children and teens over the past 20 years I have many times heard from children that “rules suck.” They will often make comments of wishing they were already 18 years old so they wouldn’t have to follow any rules. I try to quickly point out to the kids that most true rules don’t begin until you are 18 and out on your own. Adults have to follow, or be obedient to just as many rules as children. Everyone has someone they have to be obedient to even though that doesn’t mean that everyone will be.

No matter how powerful or wealthy a person is someone will make that person be held accountable to being obedient to certain standards. As can be seen in the movies even the mob of organized criminals have their own rules they have to be obedient to, or else. This goes to show that people of all ages can be or are obedient to various forms of authority. It appears it is the person’s choice of who they want to be their authority and that is who they decide to follow and submit to.

For whatever reasons it seems that many parents are scared to discipline their children. I’ve heard some say, “my kids told me if I spank them they will call the local social services” and there are probably many other reasons of why some parents refuse to discipline. Maybe as a child they never received any themselves, or their parents were so strict they decide to never be that strict on their kids. The point is if a child has not learned to be obedient and follow the rules, the parent of that child has done them great emotional, mental, and even spiritual harm.

I once read about the “Seven greatest mistakes parents can make.” Of the seven the author had mentioned one great mistake is a parent believing they can be best friends with their child. Parents and children were never meant to be best friends, at least until that child is an adult and then some of the relationship dynamics can change. Also it is never fair for a child of any age to be asked to take sides of one or the other parent.

Children need discipline and need to be taught and shown what obedience is. If no one ever learned to be obedient and follow the rules the world would definitely be a chaotic and hopeless place. Some reasons of why there are so many disobedient youth is that many adults are disobedient to two commands. One is to love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength and secondly to love your neighbor and treat everyone as you would want to be treated yourself. Dr. Laurence J. Peter developed a concept called, “the Peter principle,” which mainly points out that anyone who strives for success only to find their achievement crumble about them has never learned that true power and success only comes when we surrender our lives in obedience to God.

Originally written 7-14-99.

TRS

Narcissism according to Webster’s dictionary is undue dwelling on one’s own self or attainments. In Greek mythology there was once a beautiful youth who was punished because of the love of his own image and was therefore transformed into the narcissus plant. For some who may not be familiar with psychology or counseling may not know that there is actually a mental disorder according to the diagnostic and statistical manual mental disorders (DSM) called, narcissistic personality disorder. This disorder is characterized by having a very exaggerated sense of self-worth and self-importance. A person with this disorder will frequently discuss his or her importance and call attention to and magnify the value of themselves and/or their accomplishments.

Usually this person rarely would feel any empathy or care about any other person than themselves. They also believe that they are entitled to things that others are not, take advantage of others, and are preoccupied with feelings of envy.

We are commaned to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and to love our neighbor as we would love our self. We just do not need to love ourselves to the point of a narcissism, because then it would not be true love but more of pride and we know that those who are full of pride are truly empty of a lot.

However, there are those who are quite opposite of the narcissist and they don’t even like themselves and sure do not love themselves at all. The point of this article when it was written 20 years ago was to help someone see that even though life may not always be fair and that sometimes bad things do happen even to “good people,” if we have a positive self-image we will be more likely to handle simple to complex problems with more ease.

When people love themselves they will be more apt at accomplishing goals to be proud of, as well as have a love for others offering them kindness and hope. Following is a poem I wrote in August of 1995:

As you grow up through the years you wonder why certain things happened, and as you felt the sorrow and hurt they brought, you could tell your life was being dampened. You often wondered if anyone else on earth ever knew of your pain. You wondered if your circumstances were ever going to change.

Here you sit amongst the filth and the grime. Amongst the pearls and the swine, wondering if the thing you are searching for you will ever find. You have cried and cried until you feel that you have no more tears. All that you are left with are your hopes and your fears. How could life be so unkind to leave me here cold and unloved, sinking behind. I try my best every day to grovel to the surface. Trying to find at least one in whom I can place my trust. Where? Where on Earth can that one be found? Shh!

Be quiet and listen. Please don’t make a sound. I think I see the one who can start to make things clearer, or is that just my reflection in the mirror.

Reflections… Reflections.

I can look back on my life and see the hurt, the pain, and the misery. I can now see where I went wrong, as I was trying to find out where I belong. But, the true love I searched for was in me all along. As I looked deep within beyond the poverty and wealth I could finally see that all I had to do was learn to love myself.

Article Originally written July 7, 1999

-TRS

Morality is having a moral quality or character. It means being virtuous and having a moral conduct. For the past 20 years I have worked with youth through counseling and as a youth minister but I honestly cannot remember what group of kids I asked these following questions to 20 years ago, but I do know that they ranged in ages from 5 to 15 years old. I asked the following questions: what are morals? Where do they come from? Does everyone have them? Do you look up to those who have none? Once I asked the questions I began getting answers of the opposite of what the kids believe morality is.

Kids began telling what they thought were immoral. Following is a list of things that these children believe are immoral: killing, lying, cheating, stealing, hurting others, adultery, being disrespectful, and not listening to authority. I do remember joking with the group that if the last one was true “not listening” then I had several immoral people in my group.

When I attempted to get the kids to explain to me what morality is they replied, “it’s the opposite of all the things we just said.” The oldest member of the group who was attempting to be a role model for the younger ones spoke up and stated, “morals are the standards we live by.” One spoke up and added, “being moral is like always doing right over wrong.” Another challenged, “what is right for some may be considered wrong by others.” This led into the discussion of where do morals come from.

A couple believe that we are born with the ability to know right from wrong and therefore can choose to be moral. Most agreed that morals are taught by parents or caregivers and can be greatly influenced by our peers and society. One young person gave an example of how if a child was brought up in a family where stealing was taught to each generation that probably each generation that grew up would never really think that stealing is wrong.

Dr. James Dobson has a booklet entitled, Values in the home which has the statement, “values can be transmitted from one generation to the next. All mothers and fathers know it is their responsibility to teach their beliefs and concepts to their children, but unfortunately this is usually approached in a hap- hazard and casual manner.” Author James Gibson, PhD believes that integrity is a character trait far more common in today’s world than we know. He wrote, “We hear so often of dishonesty, philandering, cheating, and lying in all our modern institutions it’s understandable if we think that integrity is going the way of the buggy whip.”

Gibson continues to define integrity as a “source of immense spiritual and emotional strength that can be a powerful healing force in our lives, even if it causes us inconvenience for a time. To give up our integrity is to risk our spiritual and psychological lives.”

Most of the group agreed that they would never look up to any person with an immoral character. I asked the group to share who they look up to and believe are good role models. It was interesting that none of them mentioned their parents, but it seems normal for kids their ages not to mention their parents. Most of them told of teenagers they now know who are “cool, but never get into any real big trouble.” One girls comment I found interesting, “if people wanted to be moral they could follow the example of Jesus.”

May we choose to live a moral and virtuous life and let our integrity be Rays of Hope for future generations.

Originally written 6-16-99 TRS

Loneliness is a feeling of being all alone. It can come from being isolated from others however the worst form of loneliness is when you are in a crowd of people and yet still feel all alone. Along with feeling lonely often there is the emotion of sadness that goes along with it. To feel lonesome means for one to be sad from lack of companionship or separation from others.

In his book, Killing Giants –Pulling Thorns, author Charles Swindoll wrote about loneliness, saying “it plays no favorites, ignores all rules of courtesy, knows neither border no barrier, yields no mercy…crowds make it worse, activity simply drives at deeper. Silent and destructive as a flooding river in the night loneliness, that uninvited guest of the soul, arrives at dusk and stays for dinner.”

People who are in the midst of this feeling of desolation usually long for someone to be companions with. Many times if this companionship is not found the loneliness turns into depression. A lonely person typically has a very negative self-image and feelings of worthlessness. They have such thoughts as if no one wants to be my friend then I must be no good. Swindoll wrote that the pain of loneliness was so sharp that some are willing to try anything for half an hour of companionship and were willing to pay a stranger money for 30 minutes for their undivided attention. There have been some who have done studies on loneliness and will keep themselves away from any human contact for a long period of time only to hunger and desire some form of human contact.

Back in the 13th century King Frederick in Germany had a study done with infants trying to determine what language they would speak if never spoken to. So he had gathered all the newborn babies and had nurses to care for the basic needs but they were never to touch them or speak to them. Unfortunately all the babies died. A study by the American council of life insurance reported (20 years ago when this article was first written) that the loneliest group they found to be was college students. After that group the list included those going through divorce, the poor, single parents, students in rural areas, housewives, and the elderly were those who are more prone to suffer from loneliness. Also those who suffer greatly from loneliness are those who tend to be left out on purpose by others. It is unfortunate that things do not seem to change in this area as time progresses. Each generation there’s the in-group and the out-group. Cliques that are popular and those who the cliques don’t associate with. Those who tend not to fit in are often put down, talked about, made fun of, and shunned. This can lead those who already feel lonely to believing that their existence it’s not necessary.

There will be times when everyone will feel a little lonely, but the world is populated enough that no one should ever really feel the prolonged pangs of loneliness. Everyone at times needs a certain amount of human contact. It is very difficult for those suffering from loneliness to be the ones to bring themselves out of it. They need someone to lower the rope down into the pit of loneliness where they long to be delivered from. If you know someone who is lonely say a kind word or do a good deed to them to offer them a Ray of Hope. Let them know that they are loved and cared about and that their life does have meaning and others can be blessed by what they have to offer.

Originally written 5-26-99

TRS

Kindness is the quality or state of being kind. One definition of kind is having the will to do good and to bring happiness to others. It currently seems that the standard is to bring happiness to self. If someone else in turn becomes happy by something we do, so be it, but it appears for the most part many people don’t worry if others are affected or not by the choices we make.

Many children have witnessed their parents doing practically whatever to make themselves feel good, which some equate with happiness. These children grow up and become adults who seek out the same pleasures to gratify self and never really seem concerned about others either.

With past and recent tragedies of violence people began seeking out who or what to blame. Each person has the ultimate choice of what they decide to do and they have to always be held accountable for the choices they make. It does need to be realized that our choices can be and are influenced our environment, which include our family, friends, enemies, economy, etc. If this is so, then the one to blame is anyone who breaths.

Dr. James Dobson once wrote, “Take a deep breath of air and then blow it out. Contained in that single breath are at least three nitrogen atoms that were breathed by every human being to ever live, including Jesus Christ, William Shakespeare, Winston Churchill, and every president of the United States. This illustrates that the fact that everything we do affects other people, positively or negatively.”

If this is true then we are a part of every person who chooses to be balanced and they are a part of us. This does not mean that the violent individuals can try and rationalize saying, “society made me do it.” But, society can’t live in denial and shout we have no part of it and the individual is the only one to blame.

It appears that if a person is not stressed out then they are not breathing. Pressures of life, jobs, relationships, expectations of self and others, just to name a few make us feel like we are living on the verge of insanity. With this lifestyle many times are tolerance level for others plummets. When we become impatient with others we find it difficult to do a good deed and almost impossible to even speak a kind word to or about anyone. When everyone becomes this way then kindness is smothered out.

There is a simple principle that many know as the Golden Rule, which is do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It seems simple, yet it is one of the most difficult principles to live by. However, that simple principal is one solution to the problem of violence and cruel words.

George Washington Carver had an interesting philosophy, “how far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong…Because someday in life you will have been all of these.”

Attempt to do something kind to someone else, but not to someone who has been kind to you, but to someone who would rather spit in your face than to say kind word to you, for that is true kindness and the hope of the future.

Originally written 5-12-99

TRS

Judgment is the process of forming an opinion by discerning or comparing things. To judge is to determine or pronounce after inquiry, deliberation; to think or consider. Over the years it has appeared that the chasm between right and wrong has become more narrow. In some cases it appears that there is only a very fine line in between what is right and what is wrong.

To make a judgment about something of whether it is right or wrong one has to think or deliberate over it. Maybe one has to weigh the pros and cons and and determine from their own perception what is the best outcome from that belief. Many times we might need to realize that there are things that are either “red or green” with no in between.

It is either right or wrong. Some may say that as time changes so do rights and wrongs. Some may rationalize inappropriate beliefs and behaviors by saying, “we’re in a new century,” so just because it was seen as possibly wrong then, because time has changed it is now seen as right. This can also be seen the other way around maybe “back then” it was seen as right but now it is seen as wrong.

Over the years children may have been hurt and in a sense deprived by not being taught and shown what is right and what is wrong. Some adults may demand that children do what is right but the children see that the adults are not living by what they try to instill in a child. You cannot instill what you yourself do not have. If you cannot do what is right then do not expect your children to do it either. For your children will do as you do, not what you say.

Nothing good can come from what is wrong. Therefore, if your life is filled with hurt, disappointments, strife, jealousy, anger, addiction, and controversy to name a few take a look at your life and see if there is anything that is truly wrong that needs to be changed.

When doing wrong benefits us, or brings as pleasure,we can be deceived into believing what is wrong is right for us. It may be very difficult and completely against what you once thought was right, and others may put you down for now believing what is right, but you can truly never go wrong when you choose to do right.

We can only change our own behavior, thoughts, and beliefs. We cannot change others. However, we may be able to be an encouragement to one that is doing wrong to see the situation or belief in a new way. We can inspire others to change if our judgment is true and just.

Originally written 4/28/99

TRS