Peace. That is what she longed for. She had searched for it for a long time. She had a career, but she never found peace there. She thought several times she had found tranquility in a relationship, only to have her trust trampled underfoot.
Feelings of shame and guilt would then make her feel that much more alienated around everyone else. Seeing others happy only reminded her of what she never felt. Then one lonely night, three years ago she believed she had finally found what she had desperately longed for. A feeling of absolute freedom. All of the negative feelings such as her shame and feelings of complete emptiness just seemed to vanish.
She could now imagine what the great eagle must feel like. Up above the clouds looking down on a creation that seemed so far away when flying so high. She liked being up, because then she would be far away from everyone. All of those who had lied to her and cheated her, and all of those who reminded her of her failures.
She grew up in a well off family. It was just her and her parents. For years before her birth her parents had tried to have children, but the doctors basically told them it would be impossible. Her mom never believed that however. The one thing she had admired about her mother was her mother’s faith. She had often heard her mom joyfully tell of how she had given birth when it was thought of as being impossible.
Her mom would name her, Arabella, which means in Hebrew, answered prayer. Her parents were not perfect, but Arabella had always grown up expecting that she should be. Any little mistake and Arabella would be reminded by her father that she could do better. Over the years she had achieved many accomplishments but Arabella was too many times discouraged with believing that she still could have done better.
Nothing was ever good enough, until now, so she thought. Then she began to come down from her high. Her body ached and trembled as the needle still dangled from her arm. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to realized where she was at. On the floor of her one room, roach infested place she had come to call home.
Just a few years ago after she would close her own business she would drive to a two story house she had already paid for. However, driving up to that big house alone would only remind her of how she felt on the inside. Empty. She soon began to find comfort in the contents of a small syringe. It started out as just an occasional high. She had told some of her former friends that she could quit anytime she wanted, but that seemed to make her crave it all the more.
The contents of that small syringe soon became more expensive than her car, her house, and business. She strongly wished that her fantasy high would be reality. For, her reality had become such a nightmare. Arabella’s parents eventually realized some of the mistakes that they had made in raising her; like always pushing her to achieve, and never being encouraging or satisfied with any of her accomplishments.
Once again Arabella’s mother knew she was going to have to put her faith into practice. No matter how many prayers she prayed she realized that ultimately it was going to have to be Arabella’s choice to change and ask for help. Taking the needle from her arm tears began to well up in her already glossy eyes. As each tear fell she began to understand this was not the way her life was meant to be. She still had a spark of hope in the depths of her soul that gave her courage to ask for help.
There in the puddle of her tears she asked the One who could help her on her journey to overcoming the obstacle she had created for herself. It would not be an easy journey, but Arabella finally found the peace that she longed for. It was as if the rays of hope engulfed her as she finally understood the meaning of her name.
Originally written January 26, 2000
~Tim Stockton
Rays of Hope 