Shame is a painful emotion that can be caused by consciousness of guilt, a shortcoming, and impropriety, or disgrace. For some shame can bring about feelings of strong regret and/or remorse. There are times when all have done something shameful that may deserve a form of censure or reproach to make us feel ashamed or guilty of what we have done so that will lead to repentance. It is not good if we do something wrong and we never feel any shame or guilt over it. Having these feelings can urge us to make some form of retribution to make things right.
Unfortunately, there are some people both, men and women, and even children who have strong feelings of “false shame.” Usually these people have been abused in some form either physically, emotionally, or sexually. Although feelings of false shame could possibly be brought about by other things as well.
The following information is my interpretation of the notes I took at a conference entitled, “Taking the shame out of shame,” presented by another counselor, Jill Riethmayer NCC, LPCC 20 years ago.
Shame is all about hiding. It is a feeling of sense of embarrassment, hurt, pain, and humiliation all rolled into one. People who feel shame usually believe that they are a mistake, not that they made a mistake. Shame is a heavy feeling. It is feeling like we don’t measure up and will never measure up to the people we were meant to be. Those who feel shame most of the time have a vauge distrust in themselves.
These are some analogies of how shame feels: it is like a hunk of lead in our hearts. Shame is like an invisible load that weighs us down crushing out our joy. It’s like a lingering sorrow. It is like we are on a long journey and we’re always trudging uphill.
Following are things that shame can do to us; exaggerates our faults, discounts anything we do that is good or positive, in accents or “Bright lights” anything we might do that is bad or negative, and it usually is chronic and often is put on us by others. According to Riethmayer there are a few steps to the healing process of shame.
First one has to acknowledge the shame and break through the denial of it. Secondly and often the most important thing is to form and affirming relationship with someone who can offer hope and encouragement. The third step is to release the shame. During this process shame could be released as rage. For this reason it would be advised to seek counseling to help release it in a positive v/s destructive way. A person then we’ll need to learn to counteract negative thoughts about themselves. Learn to say good things about oneself and begin to trust themselves as they let go of the shame. All of us at some point have done shameful things. However, if we allow the feeling of shame to weigh us down we will never be able to experience any kind of joy or have the sense of hope for the future.
Moses was guilty of murder. Elijah was burdened with a deep depression. Peter was guilty of public denial. Samson was guilty of recurring lust. Thomas was guilty of cynical doubting. Jacob was guilty of deception and King David was probably guilty of all of the above. However, despite their imperfections through forgiveness and grace God used each one to do a great things. If you are feeling the heaviness of shame begin to release it and take hold of the forgiveness that is offered to all. At this moment is when shame will be replaced by feelings of hope and a true sense of peace and happiness.
Originally written 9-8-99
TRS
Rays of Hope 