Discipline comes from a Latin word that means to instruct and to instruct means to impart knowledge to, or to teach. To discipline means to mold, build up, and give direction. One of the main reasons many children have problems are because they lack being disciplined consistently. To be consistent a parent has to follow through with what they say. When a parent warns a child of a consequence that will happen if their behavior doesn’t change, but never follows through with that, then the child will never believe the adult or take the parents serious and basically learn to get by with anything.
It was around 20 years ago when I attended a conference with a guest speaker Dr. Mark Barnes, a child therapist who equated no discipline with child abuse. For a parent who does not discipline their child is doing just as much damage as if the child was being physically or mentally abused. A child who has no discipline rarely ever learns responsibility and rarely ever feels truly safe or loved.
Dr. Barnes went on to give an analogy that a child with no limits or discipline is like a child living in a Land of cliffs. The child will never feel safe because if they are able to do whatever they want to with no consequences, then they will believe that other people can do whatever to them with no consequences. It was once written in an article by Lawrence Balter, PhD that “starting at the age of two your child will begin testing authority.” This could be why Dr. James Dobson suggest in his book, Discipline with Love to set limits.
One has to identify the rules well in advance letting there be no doubt what is and is not acceptable behavior. Then when a child chooses to challenge those known boundaries in a haughty manner give the child a good reason to regret it, yet at all times demonstrate love, affection, kindness, and understanding.
To spank or not to spank that is still a very debatable question. Dr. Dobson has suggested that to spank is okay and necessary at times and if done appropriately by the time a child is around the age of 10 it would be very unlikely to have to use that form of discipline. As a child gets into adolescence and teenage years use more consequences such as taking privileges and grounding. If the spankings were done appropriately and consistently when a child misbehaved, then as the child grows older they are more affected by having privileges taken. Often the older kids would rather be spanked to get the consequence over with instead of having to not have something they want and have to think about why they do not have it.
It is also important to remember for the parents not to ever spank out of anger but to calm down before they react with a physical punishment. Don Fleming PhD once wrote that parents spank generaly to change the child’s behavior, or they spank out of frustration. He determined an occasional spank on the rear end doesn’t do any damage to a child. Occasionally it gets the point across quite quickly. “But if a parent uses it as the primary or only way to control a child’s behavior or teach him a lesson it has never worked and it never will,” as he wrote in his book, How to stop the battle with your child.
Other parents may use strategies such as putting the child in time out for as many minutes as a child is old in age. For example if a child is 5 years old they spend 5 minutes in time only adding minutes when a child tries getting out of time out. Time usually seems longer to a child than to an adult therefore what may be just a few minutes feels like half an eternity to a child.
Part of discipline also is a technique called positive reinforcement. This is when a child is caught having good, positive behaviors they are rewarded and encouraged for that. The hope is that this positive reinforcement teaches them to continue the same good behavior. It is easy to misbehave which is why some of the first words a child hears as a toddler is “no no.” Once a child asked their parent if they had to be good on purpose and the parent replied,”Yes, you have to be good on purpose.” So, therefore when they make the choice to have good behaviors encourage and reward them for that.
A child without ever being disciplined will likely become an adult with no hope. It is vital to society that parents discipline their children, remembering that even God disciplines those He loves.
Originally written 2-10-99 TRS
Rays of Hope 